Liz’s Journal – Entry 14

Yesterday I was just about to share the link below showing the spreading of Connor’s ashes by his Y11 rowing crew.  I was interrupted by our home phone ringing.  It was 1:45 pm, I froze, I had a very bad feeling. It was my cousin Jordan telling me my Mom had passed away about an hour before.

My poor Mother who had her soul crushed with Connor’s illness left here on April 10 feeling incredibly unwell. She had been in the hospital for the last few weeks with a serious blood and bone infection she just couldn’t shake. They had found an aneurism in her aorta.  They wanted to patch it but couldn’t while her body was fighting the infection. She seemed marginally better over the weekend but became increasingly unwell since Monday.

She died peacefully in her sleep, most likely from complications from her aneurism.

Those of you who know my Mom and me are fully aware that we are in constant contact.  I spoke with her everyday since she’s been home and really 2-3x/week my entire adult life.  She was my sounding board, a voice of reason, my rock.  She let me prattle on about all matter of things and I let her tell me details about every one of her friend’s live’s stories. My friends became her friends, she truly loved them and their families. She was my link to Beaver Dam and kept me “in the loop” on the goings on in my hometown. She was fun!  We’d talk and laugh and laugh.  She could drive me crazy and that went both ways. The last 17 months she loved me and my family in ernest.  She let me cry (and cry) about Connor and helped me regain myself and kept me practically focused. I can not express how much I needed her support and she gave it to me 110%.  No mother should have to help their daughter prepare for the loss of their child.  It has been devastating to me but I know in many ways it was much harder on my Mom.

Yesterday I thought I shouldn’t post the link to Connor’s spreading of ashes, that somehow it wouldn’t be right.  But then I remembered that the entire idea was my Moms!  She told me in January when we knew Connor wouldn’t make it.  I’ll never forget it, I was sitting on Connor’s bed, next to him.  We were taling on the phone, as per usual. She said she woke up with the idea.  When she described it to me it did sound beautiful and so special. My Mom has excellent taste and terrific ideas, which she often combines perfectly…this last one may have been her very, very best.  When you watch it now think not only of Connor but my Mom too.  It was an amazing experience and I described it to her in detail.  I am so glad she thought of it.

http://www.belindajanevideo.com/client-videos/1231-robert-dawes

Now I am afraid my real grieving will begin.  When Connor died I was still so worried about my Mom it was distracting me from the full weight of his death. I will be totally honest, I am overwhelmed with a sense of loss.  I was starting to come to terms that Connor’s loss was my new constant companion, now I add to that my Mom .  Oh my. Oh my.

But…in being true to my Mom I need to give her the send off she deserves.  Even through my sadness (and her incredibly poor timing, which I know she would have done anything her power to avoid) I know I have to rally for that. She has been extremely open and detailed over the years with her wants and wishes..post life.  My Mom loves a party and her death/funeral was to be no exception.  Tomorrow we have invited all of our friends (that are her friends too) to Royal Ave beach at 4:30, they are to bring a shot glass and a white flower (her favorite color flower) of their choosing.  At sunset (her favorite time of day), about 5:15 we will fill all our glasses with Absolut (it could be no other) and we will raise a toast to Nene, MM, Mary Margaret, Mom for a life incredibly well lived.  A bag piper will play Amazing Grace.  I know she would be pleased, happy knowing her daughter has a few good ideas of her own.

Her final words to me on the phone, my Wednesday morning, I will carry with me every day for the rest of my life.  I said “I love you Mom, very much”. And she replied, “I know dear, I love you too, more than you will ever know”.